POLYGAMY. IT’S ILLEGAL, BUT DOES IT HAVE ANY MERIT?

The last thing I ever dreamed of was having a second husband making demands on my time, my heart, and ultimately, my body. The idea was totally crazy, never mind being a one-way ticket to jail. Yet when debating the topic with my granddaughter who was writing a paper and needed someone to play devil’s advocate, the concept suddenly appeared to have a few logical benefits.

Having been happily married for over thirty years, documentaries about polygamy and the obvious minor children left suffering in the wake always filled me with disgust.  Child brides, abuse, and lack of parental responsibilities were just a handful of the complaints associated with the religious cults who secretly accepted, even encouraging the underground practice.

So, I decided to review the idea of polygamy for a married couple over 50. Assuming there are no minor children living in the residence, what could a wife expect, or ultimately even look for in a second mate?

Well, I believe that a home would have to be divided into almost dual residences. A self-contained suite in the basement along with the upper floor living accommodations would be the ultimate cohabitation format. Neither man obviously willing to live in the other man’s shadow.  

Now for a little background. My present husband is a good man. A manly kind of guy who is very work-orientated and loves the outdoors. He is passionate and an above average lover along with being a great father, and grandfather. So, with all these positive attributes, why would I even joke about a second husband you may ask?

Well, for everything that my husband is, there are a lot of things we don’t have in common. Although somewhat minor, I can’t help but imagine what life would be like if I was in a polygamous relationship and was able to fill those needs through husband #2.

Even since our engagement husband #1 and I do not agree on any music or movies. We have totally different tastes and have spent hours driving in silence when unable to agree on a radio station. Could you imagine if husband #2 loved horror movies and hit songs from the 70’s and 80’s as much as I do? We could enjoy time binging on the SAW franchise, keeping a running total of dead without paper or pen as a side contest.

When it comes to cooking, husband #1 has a very plain, meat and potatoes kind of palate. What if husband #2 was excited by my experimental cooking and was willing to eat Scotch Eggs and fried cucumbers for supper, a recipe that caught my fancy off MASTERCHEF CANADA? Wouldn’t that be a nice change of pace?  By the way, just finished an entire season and didn’t see any of the ‘homecooks’ make meat-gravy even once.

When it comes to intimacy, I can’t help but wonder what life would be like every now and then if husband #2 was a cuddler? My present husband runs a couple of degrees higher than most people and having him hold me in bed is almost like attempting to sleep while wrapped in an electric blanket in the middle of the desert. I just can’t take more than five minutes of his raised body temperature before I break out into a full body sweat.

Shopping is another sore spot. Whether it be for Christmas or family birthdays, this event has always been a problem between my husband and myself. What if husband #2 understood the time-honored concept of returning merchandise?

Many times, as I’m walking out the store with a recent purchase, I already know that this particular blouse most likely won’t be a good match with the blue skirt I was looking to pair it with and would more than likely end up returning it on my next visit to the mall. This absolutely bewilders my husband who would never even consider a purchase unless he’d previously researched it online, talked about it with a buddy, and found exactly what he wanted at a decent discount.

Maybe husband #2 wouldn’t mind holding my bags if I just wanted to try on another jacket that the saleslady was willing to take off the storefront mannequin. That would be a treat, not listening to the moans and groans of my spouse as he leaned against one of the stores walls, tapping his foot while he yearned to be anywhere but where we presently were.  

Hell, if husband #1 and #2 developed a joint interest in hunting, that would be fine with me. I don’t really need to admire the collection of dead ducks filling the cardboard boxes upon my husband’s return. If he wanted to take husband #2 with him to lay in the snow-covered bulrushes and silently watch the skies for a nearing flock to blow out of the clouds, that would be fine with me. Watching grown men rip the raw breast meat from a dead duck while standing on the outstretched wings is not my idea of a funfilled Saturday afternoon.

And to be honest, the family has eaten it’s fill of duck breasts with hidden shotgun pellets embedded in the meat to last us all a lifetime. And no sauce, no matter how spicy, is able to hide the taste of wildness permeating the dish as you delicately try to spit the ammo out of your mouth and down into your linen napkin.  

So realistically, there might be benefits in polygamy for both of us. But I haven’t had a chance to mention it to husband #1, as he’s off picking up his order of deer jerky that a friend has lovingly smoked after his recent kill.

Admittingly, family functions and traditional holidays could be a little tricky with grandpa #1 and grandpa #2 both vying for the grandkid’s affection. But I believe that kids never have too much love, and as long as both were willing to share the turkey carving duties, we could alternate seating at the head of the table along with the prized neck of the roasted bird.

I know this was written tongue-in-cheek and many of my readers might comment that I could find whatever I am missing in friendship with another woman. As true as that might be, I thought this idea of polygamy was still fun to investigate in my mind.

No intention of ever taking this past the written blog, I just thought that putting a few ideas on paper might be cathartic after picking up my husband’s season tickets for another year of football and tailgate parties that totally infringe on my shopping time.

My present husband is my first, second, third, and forever choice for a spouse. As a proud member of THE FIFTY CANDLES CLUB, I’d be crushed if he ever seriously mentioned a second wife in the house. We are two happily married people with normal differences. This exercise was fun, and I hope my readers enjoyed the trip down fantasy-lane just as much as I have.   

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